Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot