Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of danjan13's best tweets

@danjan13 : Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

@danjan13: My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don't think it's weird, it's so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

@danjan13: Swords just aren't naturally "wooooshy" enough for me, that's why I add the noise. That's why I add the noise, Janet.

@danjan13: No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@danjan13: Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can't make it to your 85th bday

@danjan13: 100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

@danjan13: Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don't think I am.

@danjan13: A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah's ark.

@danjan13: I'm on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

@danjan13: Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat