can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks