A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”