don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no