(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
You Might Also Like
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign