haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.