What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”