Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dave_cactus's best tweets

@dave_cactus : BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock— ME: All clocks are 'time' clocks, you simpleton.

@dave_cactus: GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I've been training my entire life for this.

@dave_cactus: I told a server I'm going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said "have a good time in New York!" and I said "you too!" so long story short, he's coming to New York with me.

@dave_cactus: Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

@dave_cactus: Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

@dave_cactus: HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl's cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That's the man who mugged me!

@dave_cactus: God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

@dave_cactus: When you do drugs, you're also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.