@dave_cactus: [reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
@dave_cactus: ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
@dave_cactus: EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I'm wearing women's panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
@dave_cactus: [first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um... have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
@dave_cactus: ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
@dave_cactus: ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
@dave_cactus: [first night in hell]
This isn't so bad, really. I expected worse.
[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME