Funny Tweeter

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Page of dave_cactus's best tweets

@dave_cactus : [learning to ride a motorcycle] INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the "vroom vroom" sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

@dave_cactus: Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@dave_cactus: Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That's OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

@dave_cactus: ME: I'm hungry. I think I'll get McDonald's.
HER: Aren't you on a diet?
ME: OK. I'll only get one McDonald.

@dave_cactus: ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That's my baby, you idiot.

@dave_cactus: [Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@dave_cactus: WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@dave_cactus: [reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

@dave_cactus: ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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