Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dave_cactus's best tweets

@dave_cactus : *watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

@dave_cactus: Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it's Tuesday. My car still thinks it's 1987.

@dave_cactus: ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

@dave_cactus: TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

@dave_cactus: [restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don't eat menus.

@dave_cactus: There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@dave_cactus: [Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can't end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
ME: Ended a sentence with "a preposition."

@dave_cactus: ME: I had to fix dad's computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

@dave_cactus: ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

@dave_cactus: HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There's nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?