Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dave_cactus's best tweets

@dave_cactus : WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla? ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

@dave_cactus: ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

@dave_cactus: ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

@dave_cactus: ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There's a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

@dave_cactus: MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

@dave_cactus: *sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there's ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

@dave_cactus: [HONK HONK]
...one more honk and I'm gonna...
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver's goose some bread*

@dave_cactus: *watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

@dave_cactus: Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it's Tuesday. My car still thinks it's 1987.

@dave_cactus: ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.