Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dave_cactus's best tweets

@dave_cactus : You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on: - swampland $1000 - arable prairie $22000 - beachfront $33500 - rock $2 - roll $3 - rolling meadows $9500

@dave_cactus: ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

@dave_cactus: AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband's burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@dave_cactus: [learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the "vroom vroom" sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

@dave_cactus: Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@dave_cactus: Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That's OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

@dave_cactus: ME: I'm hungry. I think I'll get McDonald's.
HER: Aren't you on a diet?
ME: OK. I'll only get one McDonald.

@dave_cactus: ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That's my baby, you idiot.

@dave_cactus: [Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@dave_cactus: WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.