@dave_cactus: AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband's burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
@dave_cactus: [learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the "vroom vroom" sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
@dave_cactus: Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That's OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
@dave_cactus: ME: I'm hungry. I think I'll get McDonald's.
HER: Aren't you on a diet?
ME: OK. I'll only get one McDonald.
@dave_cactus: ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That's my baby, you idiot.
@dave_cactus: WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.