Funny Tweeter

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Page of dave_cactus's best tweets

@dave_cactus : TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

@dave_cactus: [restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don't eat menus.

@dave_cactus: There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@dave_cactus: [Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can't end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with "a preposition."

@dave_cactus: ME: I had to fix dad's computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

@dave_cactus: ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

@dave_cactus: HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There's nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

@dave_cactus: ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

@dave_cactus: *approaches a girl, tips hat* M'lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M'donna.

@dave_cactus: "Your finest Scotch, please."

"Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.