Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
We need to put an American base on the sun
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.