i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
that lip filler tho
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
so i’m at the stock market right
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.