Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
and now we wait
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
who wants to go expliring
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.