If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[montage of me giving-up]
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”