I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.