Funny Tweeter

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Page of decentbirthday's best tweets

@decentbirthday : Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@decentbirthday: friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it's him

@decentbirthday: guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

@decentbirthday: judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

@decentbirthday: Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

@decentbirthday: son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that's a dadpole

son: i'm confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i'm dad

@decentbirthday: [camping]

me: why can't i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

@decentbirthday: [waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes