Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of decentbirthday's best tweets

@decentbirthday : [waking up after car crash] Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes

@decentbirthday: Evil villain: You can run but you can't hide!

Me: That's where you're wrong pal. *out of breath* I can't do either

@decentbirthday: Bowser: Honey, the toilet's clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

@decentbirthday: [Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

@decentbirthday: [before date]

friend: make everything about her


waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

@decentbirthday: Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where's Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

@decentbirthday: Isn't it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

@decentbirthday: God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you're god, can't you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No