Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Netflix: We have Less
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge