[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
There is wisdom there.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.