*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/