I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is