The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.