*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
You Might Also Like
#oldknees
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Catercrombie & Fish
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.