Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
You Might Also Like
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
*watches the world burn*
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here