Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
this came to me in a vision
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”