Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.