The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
As the Lord intended
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.