My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.