any last words?
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*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
“The Perfect Relationship”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight