every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.