It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”