I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).