i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
There’s never enough good news
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.