You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related