*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.