That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
i- i did not expect this
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Snapes on a plane.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.