Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
favorite tropes as memes
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out