One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”