Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ehdannyboy's best tweets

@ehdannyboy : "Take it with a pinch of salt," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made horrible tea.

@ehdannyboy: I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, "Ok, what do you want?"

She said, "I want you to turn the ceiling fan down."

@ehdannyboy: I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn't want it in the first place so kept running now I'm in Belgium

@ehdannyboy: "40 is the new 30!" My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@ehdannyboy: "Dad why was I called Holly?"
cos u were born at a special time of year
"And me dad?"
yes Summer and u too
"And me too dad?"
yes Easter-Egg

@ehdannyboy: what's for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the 'i see a little sillhouetto of a naan' joke so

@ehdannyboy: I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick

@ehdannyboy: ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or