@ehdannyboy: I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, "Ok, what do you want?"
She said, "I want you to turn the ceiling fan down."
@ehdannyboy: I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn't want it in the first place so kept running now I'm in Belgium
@ehdannyboy: "40 is the new 30!" My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
@ehdannyboy: "Dad why was I called Holly?"
cos u were born at a special time of year
"And me dad?"
yes Summer and u too
"And me too dad?"
@ehdannyboy: what's for dinner?
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the 'i see a little sillhouetto of a naan' joke so
@ehdannyboy: I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@ehdannyboy: ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or