Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Oh boy, $150,000!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat