This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.