The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
normalize having existential bread
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.