The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Lube but for my dry humor.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*