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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
hi why am I like this
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG