[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs