The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.