Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”