Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Thursday Thought.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.