[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
worst…sale…ever
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools