I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
One of the best
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I don’t know what to do
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you