*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box