People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
accurate
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey