My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
You Might Also Like
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.