Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee